exclusive interview

HUMOR

Exclusive interview with Grand Mage Kivatnikeh

Faced with the controversy raised by the existence of audiotels, we decided to interview the most honest of the clairvoyants-mediums-astrologers-tripper-upholsterer, the great mage Kivatnikeh. After twelve hours of Michelin, we found him in his modest 567m² villa on the shores of the Mediterranean. The great mage Kivatnikeh received us at the edge of his seawater pool. Buffy Brinogene: Great mage, you seem tired. Overworked because of your famous devotion to others? Mage Kivatnikeh: That’s exactly it. Last night I threw a little party to celebrate my hundred thousandth customer. It ended around 9 o’clock this morning. Yes, I had a DJ come from Australia. We must help young talents. BB: Your serenity, many French people have suffered from the crisis. How did you experience this difficult period? MK: Well, I was very concerned about what my compatriots were going through. I thought about what I could do for them. And I must say that the period was very… productive. I quadrupled my turnover. BB: Your magnificence, the last time we met, you were selling weight loss potions in Aveyron. Today you own a real business. How did you get there? MK: Let me tell you something. Telling people that their love will return, promising them the jackpot in the lottery, selling perlimpinpin powder, it pays well. But it takes a long time to bullshit people. So I had a bright idea: make others work. BB: Have you given up on clairvoyance? MK: Not at all. Are we killing the goose that lays the golden eggs? On the contrary, I applied Taylorization to clairvoyance. Basically, I pay people, very little, to work for me. And I sell, at a very high price, a bogus service to gogos. BB: Do you employ psychics? MK: Especially not. Real psychics are too expensive. And then after a while they feel remorse. Well, I know a few who make do with morality, just to make ends meet. But they prefer to play it personal. I’m not going to blame them. I started like them. No, I put students and the unemployed to work… BB: Have you opened a clairvoyance school? MK: No, but you give me an idea. A clairvoyance school, bogus courses, a pretty cardboard diploma. At two thousand euros for a one-week course, it can be profitable to diversify. BB: So where do you get these students from? MK: From college of course. You know when we are students, we have to pay for our accommodation, our supplies, our food. Not easy when parents can’t help financially. I offer them a job and allow them to survive. BB: What does this job involve? MK: Telling lies to people who are in trouble and who want to be told that things will be better tomorrow. BB: And it’s well paid? MK: Yes. I give them 4 euros per hour generated. BB: 4 euros per hour of work? It’s not expensive to pay. MK: Oh no. I never talked about working hours. I said 4 euros per hour generated. That is to say per hour of consultation. BB: They have knowledge or a gift, these students. MK: No, they just need the money. BB: What if one of your flashy nicknames doesn’t attract customers? MK: He’s not paid. BB: Sorry, great mage, but this is exploitation. MK: Exploitation? I would rather say that it is an opportunity for them. Small jobs are shortnot the streets these days. For a young person, the choice is limited between fast food, bogus clairvoyance or prostitution. Fast food can’t keep everyone working. Prostitution is profitable but it gives you cold feet. I allow them to work in the comfort of their own home, while studying. And then it’s that or nothing. BB: Charming. And on the consultant side, how does it work? MK: People call, wait, call back. They are invited to try their luck again the next day. And yes, who knows, we may always have good news the next day. So they call, call and call again. It’s like the lottery, they try their luck every day. But in the end, it’s me who wins the jackpot. BB: So many people use your services? MK: What do you want, in times of crisis, people have to face lots of problems. So they hold on to what they can. People have become so selfish that they don’t care about others. As a result, when they have problems, they have no one to confide in, no one to support them. I make them believe that they have found an attentive ear. I am like a friend to them. A paying friend, that’s all. At the moment, what is working well is employment. And then there are the sure values ​​like the return of affection and the lottery jackpot. That’s timeless. BB: You continue to offer occult work, then. MK: Officially, no. I even wrote on my website that ethics prohibit this type of practice. But when the customer is well equipped, we offer him a little something extra. A pebble picked up on the beach and sold as an astral stone brings in 2000 euros. Don’t miss an opportunity to pay your taxes. I am not Abbot Pierre. Well, the must in terms of scam is the magic powder obtained after a ritual known only to initiates which takes place on red moon evenings in a remote corner of Africa. I sell this for 5000 to 25000 euros. But be careful, I’m honest. Every time I go on safari, I collect laterite in the gardens of the hotel where I stay. I have a conscience. BB: Aren’t you ashamed at times to take advantage of people’s growing distress? MK: Not at all. Because after all, reaching out, even if it is to tax the wallet, is always reaching out. It’s the gesture that counts, you know. BB: And where do you find these gogos? MK: Let’s see, you just have to go out into the street and pick them up by the shovel. BB: Are you soliciting? MK: What are you looking for there? I work on my image, it’s different. I adopt a few nicknames, I answer a few questions on the clairvoyance forums, I offer a free question, I place classified ads under different names, I have two websites where I offer to help people. I even advocate a certain ethics. I’m baiting the customer! BB: And what happens when the customer takes the bait? MK: I listen, I caress, I scare to better reassure, I always offer more services. Everything goes there, clairvoyance, tarot cards, astrology, magic, spell, illness, evil eye. The main thing is to build customer loyalty, since with us, a happy customer is a customer who pays… Even if they don’t have the means. BB: Are you thinking of opening an annex of an audiotel service abroad? MK: It’s already done. I already have a platform in Tunisia and it’s working like crazy.

Buffy Brinogene