HUMOR
INTERVIEW: GRAND MAGE KIVATNIKEH
After months of negotiations, the one everyone wants to approach gave us an exceptional interview. This is an INAD-Consumers exclusive, for you, fellow readers.
lnad: What should I call you? By your name, Gaston Lepéteur? GMK: No, let’s be simple. My victims call me Venerable Tenant of Seeing Luminosity and Unlimited Humility, Grand Master of the Inner Strength that leaves alone, Illustrious Image of Multidirectional Simplicity, Keeper of the Impetuous Lighthouse of Timeless Darkness.
Inad: and to make it short? GMK: My extreme kindness authorizes you to call me Grand Mage Kivatnikeh. lnad: It seems that you possess impressive clairvoyant gifts. Can you tell us more? GMK: I can actually see very well and very far. Especially with a pair of binoculars. lnad: I was talking about supernatural gifts… GMK: I am clairvoyant, except when I teased Beaujolais Nouveau too much. I am an astrologer, a palmist, I read tarot cards on Saturday evenings at the local café. I practice black, white, red and green magic with yellow polka dots. I read the future in coffee grounds and cat litter. I host birthdays and funerals with guaranteed laughs. lnad: Otherwise, do you have other powers? GMK: Yes. I stop leaks in the plumbing. lnad:At a distance? GMK: Obviously. Inad: Could you say more? GMK: Well, I’ll send someone to turn off the water tap. Inad: Do you carry out occult work? GMK: No, everything is declared. I am a fundamentally honest person, you know. Inad: So you don’t practice return of affection. GMK: Yes. I can fry anything you want. Wife, mistress, children, dog, onions, Mir station. Once I even managed to bring back a boomerang. Okay, it made my head hurt a lot but it was a unique experience. Inad: Some people promise great things to poor people. What do you think? GMK: I protest against this kind of lies! To the poor, we must promise to win the lottery. Old bourgeois people must be promised the love of a 20-year-old bombshell. To a woman abandoned by a fickle husband, tell her that she is going to meet Rudolf Valentino. To a battered woman, promise bandages. To a ruined man, promise what you want as long as he can borrow from his family or friends. Inad: How did your first donations arrive? GMK: By post. I had placed an advertisement in a local free classifieds newspaper. I offered bogus clairvoyance for 10 euros. I received 2400 euros the first week. Then I had a revelation. I bought a computer, a direct mail program, I embellished my bogus clairvoyance a little and I placed an ad in TV magazines. lnad: And since then? GMK: Since then I have lived in a comfortable villa on the Côte d’Azur. Inad: You care a lot about the future of others. But how do you see your own future? GMK: I see it far, far away. I invented a potion that cures cancer, acne, stomach aches, dizziness, colic and constipation, vertigo, cataracts, liver attacks, stretch marks and deafness. It is based on used oil and guano. Inad: You will benefit as many people as possible, I suppose. GMK: Of course. Anyone will be able to obtain a 0.5ml vial of this extraordinary potion by sending me a very small check for €249.99. Inad: Your altruismwill never stop? GMK: Yes of course. The day I finish paying for a small 645 m2 villa that I just bought in the Bahamas. Inad: Where do you get these magical powers that amaze so many kids? GMK: From my mother’s lover’s great-aunt. One day she came to the house. She looked at me for a long, long time. Then she took the copper cauldron in which my mother washed her pants and made jam. And like that, suddenly, she hit my head with it. Since then, weird things have been happening behind my eyes. Inad: Do you plan to pass these powers on to disciples so that they are not lost over time? GMK: I already thought about it. I opened a macramé school in an unsanitary shed in Villetaneuse. Inad: How much does training cost at your school? GMK: Almost nothing. As you know, I am deeply altruistic. I like others. Especially their money. Half a day of lessons at my place costs the modest sum of 3,500 euros, payable in one go with fees. But access to the toilets is free and at the end of the training, you receive a diploma made by hand on crepe paper by Asians in an irregular situation living in the basement. This is priceless.
Comments collected by Bertrand Cailac
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